This story is longer than most that I write, the past few months have been hell on earth and has given me so much inspiration to write, and to be honest. Holding nothing back so you, the reader can relate. Hopefully.
Does life seem unfair? Is it overwhelming and taking over any last pleasures you have left in your life? This story is being written in small snippets over a course of some time. Taken from notes floating around on paper as well as inside my head. Took some time because life got in the way and I could not get the time to spill it out and put together a story as well as a lesson. Just a few short months ago things were good. Reasonable I should say. We all have to put up with the silly things in life that suck the energy out of us. No different for me, but when do things get too much and you reach a limit?
Recently I explored a abandoned POW camp in a forest. I felt really good being out there with my best friend. Finding all the lost buildings and just the feel of the entire place. There was so much and the day was great. I was at a good point in my life right then and there. Often I think that I should quit everything, and just tour across the country and dive deep into these little explorations and make some sort of living out of it.
Of course with bills and debt and the dumb things in life that thought is not at the moment achievable. Immediately after that exploration, things took a turn. Starts with my regular job. I been there for a while now. Not bragging but I feel I am pretty good at my job and the time I been there I never received any complaints. Out of the blue a long time friend took the liberty of going after me. Long time friend. Worked with him for years, know his wife and I know his daughter. The deliberate lies that were spread and taken to a level that could have had charges bought against me.
That is one problem. My wife, the person who I would do anything for has never been in the greatest of health. Since the last few months on top of the work crisis, she comes down with more issues. It hurts so much when you see someone you love in pain and there is nothing you can do about it. Attempting to deal with your own troubles and help out your wife's problems it get really difficult to keep it together mentally.
While I place my wife first and stand strong for her, our shitty government decides to step in and make life worse. Without going into detail since I wish to keep some things private, I can not elaborate much as to what is going on.
What I can say is that the government fucked things up and wants an enormous amount of money from her by the end of the month. What can you do? We have no money to start with. Matter of fact when we had to fill out all the paperwork we realized that we are in the negatives. Somehow we are paying bills and we can not imagine how. Things were good. They were stable. The recent shit with the world has increased the cost of living so much that people no longer can live. We stand to loose the roof over our head.
Since I always plan for worse case scenario, I figured I had a plan. I actually do but to implement it would be pretty much devastating to us. Troubles just keep coming at us for whatever reason. Never was I one to cry about it but I always been the strong one and pulled my weight. As a man I try so hard to do what's right for my beautiful wife as well. She always been by my side and always had my back so it means more to me to be there for her.
Mentally, I am done. Wasted and crying for help. I don’t want anyone's money. I don’t want pity. All I want is help. Someone to speak with. So I had to reach out. At the time of this story I have yet to begin any sort of therapy or anything else. What is worse is that as spiritual as I am I have always been one to meditate and self heal on my own. My mind right now can not get there. Describing the feeling is difficult. physically I get sick going to work. While I can just up and leave it is not feasible at the moment. Since there is a loss of money I have to work at the one place I physically hate longer hours to make up income.
Somewhere in the back of my head deep in there something just disconnected. I no longer feel like the person I once was. Things feel hopeless. Things don’t add up like they used too. The one step forward and two steps back takes over. You feel like you get no place. Life seems blur and can not focus on yourself. Where do you get inspiration?
Seriously things do look better if your eyes are open. First thing I do not have many friends. I prefer quality over quantity in that respect. One friend reached out to me. Happens to be in the same line of work and pretty much gone through what I gone through. A good lift for the spirit. Just a simple talk over lunch and most of the weight was lifted. He listened and that's all that I needed at that point. You can not ask for a better friend.
Next, inspiration comes from some of the strangest places. I subscribe to a motorcycle clothing company. I get Emails from them and they basically produce clothes with motorcyclist inspirational quotes. So a shameless free plug check out Go fast don’t die.
Their Email, There is no Tiger, just made me focus. Now There is no Tiger is a old story told many ways and it has to do with anxiety. Basically saying we are conditioned to panic because of our caveman ancestors feared things that are no longer a reality. Neal Foard provided the Tik Tok video and Go fast Don’t Die published it. Here is the link to the entire thing :
The story got me feeling better. To a degree. Problems are still there but now I feel inspired and I began jotting down notes hoping my story will help others.
As of very recently. While I was in some very deep, shitty place in my head about to give up I remember I had a day planned to explore a local ruin. First thought was to cancel it. I can not deal with all these issues and I wanted to just never explore again. Reached out to my exploring sidekick, my other best friend, and told her to call it off.
More that I fell deep in a state of depression I know I needed that day. Truthfully why pass on something that would make you feel better? So plans were back on. The inspiration I found there made me wake up more. Everyone has their troubles. The entire world is sinking into a pool of blackness and everyone is drowning. My best friend is going through her own demons as well.
The Ruins of Billmeyer
Exploring this site was amazing. While the day began dark inside my head, I quickly felt like myself to a degree. Inspiration was everywhere. That inspiration was hidden. Much like the old town. It seen its darkest of days and everyone left along with all the jobs back in the 1950s. Now all these years later it still shows its glory and shines so bright to explorers like myself. Walking the train tracks with my best friend we were totally honest with each other. Nothing lasts forever. She shared with me that our friendship is only temporary. People come and go in both of our lives. Nothing could have been closer to the truth. You prepare for the inevitable.
So I sit now typing this story. I do so sitting outside with the pollen covering my keyboard and computer. The sun is strong and the wind blows strong. Are my troubles gone? No. Matter of fact its only the start. There are hills ahead. Still I am sick. Physically and mentally. There is help on the way and there is a long road to recovery. So what is the next inspiration? My wife. She has always been here. I hold her dearly and before anything. Before work before my own life. She will be my priority always. She needs to heal as well. I need to heal. We need each other.
I am no longer afraid of the Tiger. I only fear giving up. I am still in this fight.
